Ahh, so long away.  I volunteered to work as a counselor at a camp for underprivileged children; what an amazing experience.  As a dancer and soldier I rarely ever get to work with children and people with cognitive disabilities.  It was rewarding and refreshing.
A lot has happened over the last few weeks.  I think I am getting back together with my ex.  I can't recall if I got into a lot of detail about him, but if I haven't that will for sure be an entry for another time.  I'm not sure how I feel about this, for many reasons aside from our marred history.  He was initially very supportive of my second job choice, but once I told him I started dancing his support was not as... firm as it was when it was just an idea.  We talked a lot while I was at camp, sent emails and worked through some issues we had.  It seems that we are both just in a good place to be with someone right now.  The only contentious issue was my stripping. 
The more I thought about it the more unsure I became.  Do I really enjoy it, do I really want the stress and stigma associated with it, do I need/ make/ want the money?  The last night I worked was a JUNK night so junk.  I was negative by the time I bought gas and cashed out.  There were about 15 girls and 5 guys.  I had decided that I would try a new club.  By the time I came back from camp and had a couple of weeks around the innocence of youth (well I use the term innocence loosely) and dealt with the negative reaction of my ex/ boyfriend (although I refuse to let him know that I think of him this way yet) I was not super motivated to go flush away the daily stresses and make some extra cash in a pants free zone.  I really love not wearing pants. 
Eventually I psyched myself up to tell my ex that I would dance that night, and check out a new club to see how I feel.  I felt as great as I always do after.  He was less than thrilled and told me when we advance our relationship he wants me to stop.  It's kind of a buzz kill. 
Am I setting myself up for a jealous controlling relationship by stopping because this guy wants me to?  This guy couldn't respect me enough when we were married to stop seeing the girl with whom he was cheating on me. 
Am I as much of a fool as I fear I am by believing that he is in a different place?  He does seem to be different. 
Maybe this is the kick I need to make me stop.  I couldn't commence a romantic relationship and TELL the new guy why I'm busy a couple night per week.  Although, between the army and stripping the male gender has lost a lost of appeal.  Not that I'm "becoming" gay, just that...  ahh who cares anyway.  I mean it is better that I stop sooner than later, the longer you do something the more likely someone will find out you're doing it.
Ok new club, new/old man who never left life is becoming important in my life again, and no change on the day job front.
At the new club the poles spin.  I thought I would love that, but I'm not sure.  Hahah I fell over on my heels on the floor last night.  Thank god it wasn't on stage.  I think I like the new club though.  It's more expensive to dance there, and they want more days a week (I'm hoping to skate by on two still) but I think that the money will be better because of the number of tourists.  I won't dance long enough to get regulars I don't think so I'll prey on travellers ;)  Someone touched my pussy last night... I've never seen anyone look so scared. I really think it was an accident; he was so stoned he probably temporarily forgot he was at a strip club. 

Crazy in Love

I know I've said it before, but I love stripping.  I don't make tonnes of cash, and I really don't care, because I'm making more than i would at a traditional part time job, or doing nothing at all, and I'm having fun.  It also builds my self esteem.  The men are very flattering, mostly they are nice and respectful (reasonably haha) and they genuinely seem to enjoy my company.  This is such a change from people at my day job, which is so high school, and you succeed by how well you get along with your bosses, not by how well you get along with your patients. 
There's another girl at in my unit similar to me.  We have both been in for more than a couple years and we are both regularly requested by other other units to come work with them.  We get along well with the people we support, and do our jobs really well.  But, have little tolerance for incompetence and kiss assing.  So, we both get passed over when it comes time for good courses and fun jobs. 
As a stripper, if your clients like you and want you, doesn't matter at all if your bosses like you.  Helps if your co-workers like you.  I'm a big ole newb, and I've noticed a disgusting trend of girls stealing, like not when I'm not at the table with them, but coming over to my table or snatching them while we're walking back from smoke area, my clients.  Where's your decorum ladies?  I'm perhaps too nice or tolerant because I don't need this job.  However, guaranteed if I did that I would hear about it.  I'm just too new to stir the pot.  I also shouldn't say that it's a trend....  I guess more than one girl is doing it but one girl doesn't do it all the time.  Hmmm, it did piss me off tonight because one guy was apparently waiting for a stag, and I didn't see that little skank again after she literally stole this guy as we were walking through a doorway.  Fuck, who knows I could have banked with him.  I also didn't see him or the party... so maybe he bailed.  I'll ask on Tuesday.
I really shouldn't have smoked last night.  Fuck, this cleanse that I'm doing has me a little messed up.  I'm really headachey and deeply congested.  My body is working way harder to get the toxins from the ciggys out of me than normal. 
I think I could hussle a little harder though.  Especially last night.  I spend a while with people.  I kept going back to people who were fun and familiar.  Ahhh, good point Genny :)  I do this too, even though a couple of these guys weren't especially fun, they were so flattering, and familiar.  I do this in real life.  I'll go to people I subconsciously feel I'm better than because they are safe and I feel I won't be rejected by them.  When i do get rejected it hurts my ego so much more.  I do get rejected, by these people, because usually we don't have much in common. That was a HUGE revelation for me. This could be a "quit while you're ahead" moment.  So on that note; I quit :)

Finally

So, after a few false starts, otherwise known as " I really didn't understand how to use this very simple blog tool because I don't myself read blogs"  I've finally gotten a title and am ready to start documenting my terribly interesting life.
In case you don't read my previous blogs I'm in the army, I have recently decided to start stripping, I have a degree and have held a couple very respectable careers.  I will maybe go into why I quit these great jobs later, but I'm not sure that I'll ever divulge what they were out of fear that somone I know come across this.
I strip because, as i have learned, I really like it.  All day at work I feel unsexy (have been single for ages after an ego crushing break up) and try to stay feeling unlady like and unsexy to make my work life easier.  Stripping, is challenging, before you judge read on:  It's challenging because the money is made in dances.  I'm not someone who was ever good at flirting or "getting guys to like me" despite fairly regularly being told that I'm hot, so for me hussle guys for dances is a big deal.  I'm used to rejection, so I don't mind when guys don't buy dances but it feels really good for strangers to tell me I'm beautiful and then chose me for a dance over other girls is a huge ego boost.  Despite remarkably low self worth... hmm I just hit on something key here.
I always said that I have very low self esteem, but I truly believe that i am beautiful, intelligent, funny, caring, loyal.... and many other great things.  But, really what I have is low self worth.  Other girls feel they are too good to take their clothes off for money and let strangers grope them, but they have very low self esteem.

I've gotten a little off point here.  But, that was an important break through for me.

Previously, I always felt that I was too good for stupid trend diets.  Recently though I got back from a work trip eating shit rations, and not working out.  (I really hate my day job).  I've felt like shit, put on about ten pounds and have just been unmotivated.  Except for dancing, which is new and exciting.  So, after hearing so many great things, I decided to buck up and give isagenix a try. 
To be honest; I felt like shit, big smelly diarrhea most of the day.  By the time supper time came around, and I had a nap I started to feel better.  I'm definitely not experiencing the great energy and stuff that I heard about, but I'm telling myself that my body is flushing out toxins and I'll feel better after my cleanse days.


This was a slow read, sorry guys.  This was more an quick back brief on me and why I'm blogging. Stay with me haha don't lose hope a stripper soldier?!  You know this is gonna be great!